brown paper napkin theology
July 1st, 2007
Are not five sparrows sold for two cents? Yet not one of them is forgotten before God. “Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Do not fear; you are more valuable than many sparrows. (Luke 12: 5-7)
God is a very personal God, who knows not only the number of hairs on our heads but knows our personal struggles. And I am humbled daily by his love.
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We as women struggle with our identity and self-worth; I have not met one woman, no matter how confident she seems to be, who does not at some point ask, “Am I beautiful?”; “Do I captivate you?”; “Do you love me?” - whether the question is posed to our fathers, or significant others, or our husbands does not matter, we still ask the universal question.
It seems that at the core of every woman, this cry pervades. For some, the question dictates their lives and sometimes as a result exhausts others; for others, it is a question that crops up every so often. Nevertheless, it is a common question for every woman I have ever come to know on any personal level.
I have found that the only source who can confirm and affirm that silent cry of our hearts is our creator and maker, God himself. It is only when we believe what he says about us that we can be truly whole and truly able to not always be asking everyone around us, whether explicitly or implicitly, “Am I okay; do you value me?”
This is a lesson I’m continually learning; I have come farther than where I was five years ago, but it’s a continual journey, especially in a society that screams that your value and worth is based upon your physical appearance; advertising shouts to us this lie almost every time we turn around. And inevitably, when we walk into a room, whether we want to admit it or not, we size up the other women in the room, comparing ourselves to them.
Lord, have mercy upon us.
It is only by the grace of God that we can break out of the tendencies we have rooted in our flesh.
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Today, I was unpacking my office/bedroom (I still have some boxes to get through from my recent move) and came across a brown paper napkin and smiled.
You might wonder why I saved a brown paper napkin — I saved it because it’s a love note from God.
Yes, God. Before I sound absolutely crazy, and I’m sure there are many who would ascribe that label to me (something I rather revel in, to be honest), let me back up.
A couple of months ago, I was not feeling particularly lovely; we all have those days - days in which we just feel “blah.” That morning was such a day for me. And as I was in the shower, I started talking to God as I am apt to do and asked him to remind me that he has created me and that I am “fearfully and wonderfully made” (Psalm 139:13-14). To remind me that he has called me beautiful and delights in me. And so I purposed through my conversation with him that I would not dwell on any feelings or emotions to the contrary but dwell on both what he says about me in Scripture and what my worth in him is. And in my childlike faith, as a daughter approaching her father, I asked if he would remind me that I am loved and that I am beautiful. And so I went through my workday with that mindset and attitude; when any thought to the contrary encroached upon my emotional well-being, I refused to entertain it, willing myself instead to cling to the Scriptures God has given us to remind us of truth.
Later that night, I had a date with a girlfriend for dinner. As she was running a few minutes late, I called my roommate, Anna, and stood inside a Panera restaurant laughing and catching up with her. I had had a long, tiring day at work and had just driven through 90 minutes of rush hour traffic and so I was weary, but I was looking forward to having dinner and just relaxing. When my friend arrived, we both ordered soup, and I was so excited to see her and catch up that I was oblivious to the crowd around us and was just focused on her. We found a booth and sat down and prayed before we started eating. As the two of us were excitedly catching up with one another, I noticed my girlfriend pause and look past me. I stopped mid-conversation when I saw a brown paper napkin, folded over, thrust on our table, near my elbow. I immediately turned around to find a solitary man that could have been a cousin of Denzel Washington standing behind me. He shyly smiled and said, as he nodded towards me, “This is for you; I’m too shy to say it in person.” And with that, he turned around and left the restaurant.
The first thing that crossed my mind as I was processing what he said was that maybe I needed a napkin and had some soup on my face or something (I’m quite serious) and then it dawned on me that there was probably something written on the napkin.
I opened it and burst out laughing, sure that God works in mysterious ways and loves me so intimately that he would answer my prayer from that morning, a prayer I had forgotten. It could not have been clearer if the message had actually been signed, “God.”
The napkin read: “You are so sexy. =) Just want you to know.”
No phone number (I was a bit sad and tempted to run after the man but restrained myself =) — just that statement. And I thank God for a reminder from him to his girl, “You are loved and you are beautiful.”
Let us remember the truth God says about us when we start to doubt it. Let us live boldly and confidently, rejoicing in how our God has created us and celebrating the beauty he has ascribed to each and every one of us!
-Christen Patterson
July 1, 2007