reflections from this side of the mirror
May 5th, 2007
Now we see things imperfectly as in a poor mirror, but then we will see everything with perfect clarity. All that I know now is partial and incomplete, but then I will know everything completely, just as God knows me now. (1 Corinthians 13:12)
You find yourself wondering when your heart will be still; when you will stop questioning; when you will stop wondering.
Maybe that’s the point; maybe this side of eternity, we will never stop; maybe that’s what God uses to get us up in the morning — the expectant hope of new beginnings, of new seasons, of growth, of learning, of adventure.
We’ve been shaped for eternity; maybe our longings, our desires, this deep-seeded feeling of always wanting more is because we were created for more; we were created for eternity; we were created to be only satisfied by the King of the universe, and when we forget to attach our hearts daily to His, we find ourselves restless.
I look at everything and see each event and circumstance in my life as another lesson. Sometimes, if I’m honest, I’m tired of learning. Sometimes I just want to reach the finish line, but what is the finish line? Will I ever be truly at rest during this lifetime? There is an insatiable hunger that has invaded my soul. Theologically, I know that it will never be satisfied until I stand on the other side of eternity; experientially, I repeatedly forget.
Male and female have been made in His image; I’m only half of the equation. And yet, I must be content with that. But even in knowing this, the hunger pervades. As I watch friend after friend get married, have I bought into the lie that the “right” relationship will somehow make life 10% sweeter? As I watch married friends enter into new seasons, have I bought into the idea that the “next” step is when my heart will finally settle and I’ll be satisfied?
I know better; I have friends who are engaged; their hearts still yearn for more; I have friends who are happily married; their hearts still yearn for more. It’s always “the next step” – we long for the next season to come, rendering us unable to enjoy our present, and when we reach the next season, we find that it does not satisfy as we thought, and so we move on to wishing for the next. The cycle continues. Humanity is never content, never satisfied. And maybe, once again, that’s the point of it all. To remind us that only One can satisfy.
And then, to further expose how complicated the human psyche can be, I find myself wondering, despite this longing, if I’m more productive on my own; if I am one of the ones who can remain single. Not that I would willingly choose this for the rest of my life, but it’s quite clear that I don’t want to live a normal life and not too many men are interested in abnormal.
I’m independent; fiercely. Not because I intend to be, but merely because I am; I’ve had to be. Independence is valued in our Western culture, but is independence best for a person’s soul? The more years I spend alone, the more I grow accustomed to it; how readily do I fall into a comfortable pattern of not needing anyone save the Lord? I surround myself with community, but it’s not the same as a companion. Community I can retreat from; a companion I cannot. Community I can enter into on my own terms; a companion is there 24-7, whether I like it or not.
Somehow, I feel like I’m being gypped from great spiritual lessons here. And my singleness is starting to become entirely too comfortable for my liking. Wanting to live full-out, passionately serving the Lord, I’m starting to understand the Apostle Paul more; I used to despise his stance on marriage; now I’m starting to agree with him. And that is scary.
I never thought I’d be comfortable being alone.
Singleness has its upsides: I love being able to literally do whatever I want, whenever I want; to have no schedule but my own, to be accountable to the Lord only for my daily plans; I like that I have so much freedom – to take off for a weekend retreat or conference, to stay out late with students, to meet with a friend for coffee.
And yet, in the midst of all that, there is still this pervasive loneliness. (Yes, I’m a walking contradiction, but aren’t many of us if we’re really being honest with ourselves?) Friends come and go; relationships well up and then dispel as God calls each of us to different seasons, different cities, different states, different countries. One friend is leaving for Europe this summer before heading off to Harvard Law in the fall; two other friends are most likely heading to New York City; another friend is heading to Los Angeles to teach — our close-knit group effectively entering into our last lap together; we’re blessed to realize it now before the race is over, but how many of us stop to appreciate what will no longer be? The ties forged will last for eternity, but the reality is our weekly communion will cease. We’ll have to be okay with the internet and phone; an occasional visit; years of memories; and the knowledge that we have eternity together.
I know God provides what we need; I know he brings new friends in; I know he clears out our lives for new seasons, but I don’t like the change. It’s painful, it’s hard, it’s lonely. It’s a daily reminder that we need to rely upon Him for everything. He is the only one who will never leave, never forsake; never change.
So when my heart skips a beat and then is disappointed, when my friends come and go, when I wake up in the morning and it’s just me, God, and a black cup of coffee at the breakfast table, I will rejoice. The loneliness reminds me this is not my home; I have work to do; I have people to love; I have an adventure in which to partake with the author of my life – could life truly be any better?
-Christen Patterson
April 2007
May 30th, 2007 at 4:08 pm
Christy,
It is good to see that the philosophical self that you have created has not changed and that although we grow old and our lives change our souls never will.
I think we never will stop searching, but it is the lucky few who truly find.
Love ya
Tina B
May 31st, 2007 at 12:38 pm
Tina!!! It’s been ages! How can I contact you? Hope you’re doing well! Thanks for the comment. And thanks for finding me on here. =) Get in touch.
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